I’ve found that this year the biggest change has been within. I feel a little wiser (maybe that’s what turning thirty does) and yet more than ever I realise how little I know. I look back at my past experiences and feel foolish about mistakes I made or the frivolity with which I made certain decisions. I’m hyper aware that everything we do today sets the tone for tomorrow.
2018 has been challenging; emotionally, professionally, spiritually, artistically and existentially.
So, as the year comes to a close it felt right to make my final 2018 blog post about some lessons that hit home this year. There have been many though, my goodness, so this list is only a few.
I hope to whoever reads this, you find some of yourself in what I write.
And to everyone who has supported my art, read my blog and wished me well this year, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And with that, below, are four important lessons I learned this year.
4. We can learn about ourselves, by observing what bothers us about others.
One thing I’ve found myself laughing about in retrospect is how sometimes, the things that may bother us about somebody else, can actually be linked to qualities that bother us about ourselves.
This can be in two ways. Sometimes a person can have a quality that can be initially jarring, but the deeper reason for any irritation is that they know and embody something we secretly wish we have. Some examples could be people who speak their truth loudly (courage and strong values?), people who rebel against society’s norms (ability to think independently and confidence?), people who are overachievers (discipline?), people who say no (boundaries?). Obviously not all the time, but more often than we’d like to think, this is the case.
Other times these jarring qualities can be because we ourselves are much the same. It’s like looking in a mirror via another individual - bringing with it an uncomfortable sensation - as what we are witnessing as unpleasant, is in fact, something we do too (being too sensitive, being too nice, being too harsh, being too lazy, being too argumentative, being too distant etc etc).
It happens a lot and it’s also interesting watching this play out between other groups and individuals.
A painting I hated and painted all over during my plant experiments phase
3. Don’t. Ignore. Stress.
Stress (and it’s sinister counterpart, anxiety) can be horrible when the underlying issues are left unaddressed. These toxic feelings can manifest themselves in the body from headaches to chest pains to fatigue to all sorts of other problems.
Whilst the severity of stress can vary in magnitude and time length, most people tend to play things down whilst feeling overwhelmed inside. However this year, more than ever, I have heard people, including friends, speak more candidly about how they deal with their mental health. I can pinpoint times in my life where worry, stress and even anxiety, have just been so hard to cope with.
Our bodies tell us when we need to change something. I know now, more than ever, to listen to that. To really, truly listen and act on it. Often the answers and true change require big decisions and a journey to deeply shift limiting beliefs and toxic thought patterns.
Other times, we just need a break from it all. I have been and can be the victim of my own unrealistic expectations.
I’m making peace with the fact that I can’t be productive all the time and maintain my health and have amazing relationships with people and get enough sleep and have time to read about the latest worldly issues and always be available and exercise regularly and never have chipped nail varnish. It’s just too much.
Having time off to watch shit TV and lie in occasionally is ok. And it’s better that, than to burn out and be unhappy and unhealthy.
Whilst hard work is so important, and being gritty during tough times is essential, I’ve realised that I just get very stressed out when I try to do too much. And so, actually stopping and watching The Kardashians and their dramas for a bit, indulging in a nap or even going away for a while, is very helpful for my well being and overall artistic productivity.
Taken from a big sheet I had on the wall with inspiring bits of wisdom and notes from books and videos
2. Structuring time, saying “no” and detailed planning really help.
My whole life I have preferred and been better at bigger picture thinking over detailed oriented thinking. What I don’t like are minor details and too much structure and predictability.
But. What I have had to (begrudgingly) accept, now that my life has turned upside down to pursue art, is that minor details, structure and predictability...help. A lot. I analyse the way I spend my time and I analyse how I spend my money so that I can sustain this for as long as possible.
All the words I once despised and was even scared of, have evolved to an almost holy status in my vocabulary. The holiest of all words has become “no”.
“No” - I don’t have time.
“No” - I can’t afford it.
“No” - I can’t quit.
When life is too chaotic, less of what you want and need happens. It’s made me admire the organised and well planned people more than ever before. They have an understanding of obstacles that arise, when too much is left to chance.
I know I love the thrill of sometimes not knowing and letting things unfold, but I know more, that having routine, a good plan and better organisation, help me do what I want, better. This is something I want to work on improving in 2019.
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And finally, perhaps the most important lesson of 2018.
1. It’s ok to fail.
As with all risks in life, sometimes things don’t go to plan. In almost complete contradiction to my point above, no matter how much we might think strategically about what to do, or how much passion we have in our hearts, we might get it completely wrong.
It is in our failings, our mistakes and our mis-interpretation of situations that we grow from most. Failure humbles us. It reminds us that we aren’t always right, and that sometimes we don’t know what the fuck we are doing. We may lose time or money or even our sanity. This is why a risk means a “situation involving exposure to danger. “
Triptych I still haven’t finished
I have failed and failed again with the main goal of creating a lot of work. I just haven’t painted anywhere near as much as I’d have liked to. My triptych sits incomplete on my desk as I write this. The hard, honest truth is I have no idea how this “art dream” is going to pan out. Yet I can see that this is how it was meant to go. The past three months of this new life have taught me more than I could have ever imagined. Quite simply, that it is not easy to pursue your dream.
It is in the dangerous-ness of the risks we take and in the failures that can occur, that we can see what we need to do next. You can’t see this if you play it safe. Every failure and every frustration add up to a road leading to betterment, full of lessons learned. That is how we find our own version of success.
So to everyone out there who has a quiet determination in their heart to do something next year, big or small, I challenge you to do it. Plan it. Think it through. Take calculated risks. And acknowledge that you might very well, fail beautifully.
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