This is a long blog post. It is a review of the year gone by with some overlap from previous posts, and, like most of my other ones, is ultimately a reflective piece on what I have learned through this experience.
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This week marks exactly one year since I left a career in the world of media agencies in Sep 2018 to take a leap into the unknown. My goal was to develop myself as an artist and create a new body of work without the intensity of an agency job. Maybe I would take four months out, maybe six, maybe this would be forever. The 9-5 grind was boring me. I had turned 30 and I was frustrated that my day to day wasn’t centred around art. I wanted more meaning in how I spent my time and felt called to completely change my life around and prioritise art in a way I had never done before. It was nuts but f*ck it. You only live once and the best memories are usually the ones that involve a little, or a lot of risk.
There was a loose plan. I was going to use my savings to help support myself in London and a flexible hours job at the brand new not-for-profit Unity Diner would give me additional monthly income from an area I feel passionately about, veganism. I also had some freelance social media work that I was doing for some extra money. It would be enough to get by in London but things were going to be tight. I would have to cut back and cut out a lot. Not just financially, but socially too.
What lay ahead is something I could never have predicted.
Sep - Jan
The Diner job and freelance work ended up taking much more time than I had thought they would. I had overestimated my ability to juggle two jobs and make art. It is easy to see this now but at the time I felt adamant it was possible. It wasn’t. The thrill of this new way, having a schedule that was changing weekly as well as working nights and weekends changed what Monday to Sunday had been to me for many years. It was difficult but refreshing.
During the day I was doing freelance media work and several evenings and most weekends I was working at the Diner. These jobs, thrown in with a house move in January moving away from my best friends, made the first four months of this year, the months where I was the most financially stable, extremely demanding. My attention was going in many directions so when I had spare time I was doing my best to paint. I felt unable to change this because of course I still needed an income. No part of me wanted to go back to my old life yet so I was going to do everything I could to not. I was also feeling invested in working at Unity, forming friendships and being surrounded by people who I shared many similar values with. No one asked me why I was vegan, they asked me when I went vegan. We were a new team in a new restaurant all learning together and striving to make it a success.
However, I had overestimated my ability to do all these things, because energy is limited, because mental space is limited. Of course, time flew by.
Feb - May
Having got into the groove in my jobs and settled into my new home, I finally felt like I could start to focus more on art. It was time to take some more risks and test things out.
The biggest one was renting out a shared studio. This has been the single most significant change in my entire art practice. Finally, I was able to make more mess and have a place to create that was not surrounded by the distractions of home. In order to fully commit to a studio practice I moved all of my art materials out of my bedroom. I didn’t even keep one tube of paint.
With a studio came a new way of making art. No longer was painting at any time possible. For so many years I would paint whenever I wanted to but this wasn’t possible anymore. I had to carve out blocks of time before shifts to paint. The days of painting in my PJs before rolling into bed at midnight were over. The shared kitchen grossed me out and the sound of squeaking mice was frequent, but once I was in my studio, time seemed to flow effortlessly. I was able to focus with ease. The first thing I painted was a big mark on the wall. These marks would become the evidence of my commitment to being there.
It was at this point that a major shift in my painting occurred. Things became more abstract. Through the encouragement of Jana, an art dealer and South Asian art specialist, and somebody I have considered a wonderful mentor over the past few years, I felt compelled to pursue this new direction. My paintings were truer to the person I was becoming through this year of big change. Another world had opened up.
During this time I also took part in an art fair and gallery group show. Although shows are exciting to be in and a way to connect with other artists and art lovers, they inevitably involve a lot of work. Framing, setting up, transporting pieces around in Ubers, getting business cards etc take time and money.
Once again, unless you do these things you don’t know if they are right for you or not. Showcasing these new abstract pieces for feedback seemed worthwhile. I did not sell any work but people were vibing with it. It seemed at least I was artistically on the right path.
Before I knew it, spring had arrived. Money was slipping away and I was working more shifts at the Diner.
Then, around May I burnt out. I was exhausted.
And for the first time in my life, I seriously considered throwing in the towel and giving up on being an artist.
The financial pressure was weighing a tonne on me and the physical tiredness of a job where you are on your feet for hours had now taken its toll. I had not had more than the odd day off in eight months. At this point I was completely unsure of what to do. Was it time to return back to media? The idea of a routine, my weekends back and less financial pressure was becoming appealing.
I realised at this point that my mental health had suffered a lot and it was time to accept that what I really craved, more than anything else, was stability.
But with my sister’s July wedding fast approaching, one in which I was heavily involved in, looking for and starting a new job once again felt like too much to deal with. And despite everything, I did not want to leave my job at Unity.
I made a decision to stick it out and wait until after the wedding. It was at this point I had to borrow money from my parents. Something I have not had to do for over a decade. But it took the pressure off and allowed me to enjoy the special wedding time in my family. I feel incredibly lucky to have been in a position to receive that support. It was a reminder that sometimes we have to accept help. The kind of help we might be too proud to admit we need.
What had happened? Had this all been worth it? Was I a better artist for having done this or would it have made more sense to have not done all of this?
June - July
With some of the financial pressure off and a decision to delay figuring out my next move, this time was productive for me painting, working at the Diner and having the best time for my sister’s wedding.
And straight after my sister’s wedding, an incredibly talented and kind hearted young artist friend of mine, Aldrin, who I had only seen a few weeks prior, went missing and two weeks later we received the worst news that Aldrin’s body had been found. There are no words to describe how tragic and upsetting this was and is.
Aug
A month of barely painting but instead working at the Diner and researching jobs and applying to things and deciding that it was time to go back to media agency land. And on the 29th of Aug I accepted a permanent position - with excitement, with relief, with understanding.
Life had gone completely full circle.
Sep 16th
I sit on my bed writing this long post, on my final Monday off, feeling tired after a mad party at Unity Diner last night with some of the best people I have had the pleasure of knowing this past year. The weather is cooler and it seems like the new beginnings that autumn brings are here. I’ve had some time off since my final shift at the Diner and I’ve been spending time painting away in my studio, enjoying every single minute. My work seems to be going down a path of its own and I’m letting myself be led there.
I don’t feel any pressure to prove myself as a true artist to other people or to myself anymore. I am an artist. Whether I work in a corporate office, whether I work as a waitress.
I don’t make art because I want to be rich and famous. Yes, recognition is nice but I do this because I love the process. I love how it gives me something fun to do without having to rely on anyone else. I love how it challenges my mind and my creativity. I enjoy being able to listen to music or interesting podcasts and videos while I work so I can learn new things, new ideas, and be inspired by interviews with people who have truly lived. I get excited seeing a body of work evolve. I like being committed as a painter over the years and working on mastering this art form. How it forces me to be more disciplined, to persevere and to feel a genuine internal sense of reward at having improved by simply working hard. I like sharing my pieces on Instagram and my process so that if it brightens up someone's day for a moment, or a blog post inspires someone to be creative, then I have made a small form of contribution back. But most of all, I love how making art has helped me for the better. Art has been, and will continue to be, my therapy.
This year has been a wild journey, a time that I will never forget and that has changed me forever. I am filled with gratitude and humbled by how important this past year has been for my spiritual growth.
I see now, more clearly than ever before, how the spirit of the artist is felt in the art.
My paintings are my story and the story now turns to a new chapter.
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